I am sat opposite a woman painting with watercolors somewhere on the West coast of Ireland right now, drinking coffee.
On another table, Kari is running payroll for the staff at Butchers Daughter.
We slept in a converted garage with a pink carpet and sauna in the room. Sweating buckets at 10pm before showering and rolling into our 3 inches wide single beds. God I love being naked with women.
Skylights to the garage were the speakers to the thunderstorm hammering at the windows all night long.
This is the beginning of a very whimsical few days indeed. The level of FLOW that arrived yesterday made it very clear what tone has already been set.
Dear reader. I am always amazed when people tell me they are reading this. An honest account of building a business and following dreams and finding this sense of what it means to be alive for the last few years.
I still have no idea what I’m doing.
But when the influx of synchronicities arrive again and again in one two punches, I get reminded that I’m not supposed to know.
There are 2 recruiting placements which may or may not happen this week. One, a $25k contingent deal, and another for this fractional piece that could be a $1k/month margin.
I have been trying so hard to ‘figure this all out’. To get the right business strategy, and do enough business development, and get the right offering and wording and marketing and all the things.
This relentless drive to prove THAT I AM ENOUGH. THAT I CAN DO THIS!! That I can be independent and successful and have all the things and get IT RIGHT.
I thought I needed to have all these boxes ticked to be able to have an adult relationship with my Dad. Where I felt like he FINALLY APPROVED of this life I have chosen.
Turns out that’s not true.
He can just be my Dad. And I can love him as one. And I don’t have anything to “prove” to him. And he will still love and support me no matter what. Something I never really understood or believed until recently.
And obviously there are infinite unpackings to go. But maybe this business doesn’t have to be the resounding sense of accomplishment to him, so that I can ‘earn’ the love and attention I have somehow felt apart from.
Maybe I can just be enough as I am.
When 2 friends, Kari and Tahra, met in Ojai a few weeks ago, and realized they were both going on this retreat to Ireland with Anne, the most magical songstress and gatherer of people I have ever known, I had SUCH FOMO, of course I had to go.
Anne tells me the retreat is full. But we’ll figure it out.
Everything else just gets figured out. I’ll drive from the UK. Take a plane Dad says. I tell him yes, your idea is better. (This adult relationship with him means that sometimes I can hear his ideas and agree with him rather than think he knows nothing).
Kari is in Ireland already. You got plans before the retreat? I’ll send you my location when you land.
I have no idea what this retreat is about or where I’m going but I know that all I wanted was WOMEN GIGGLING.
I want women giggling and the sense of adventure.
And yesterday that was the car hire place wanting to charge an additional €800 which didn’t make sense and ok I meet Raquel on the plane and next up we’re running for the train and she falls over on the platform and we’re sweating and running and giggling and EVERYTHING FALLS INTO PLACE SO EFFORTLESSLY.
By evening we’re in a pub God knows where listening to the music of this land and dancers and I’m sat here smiling in awe once more.
What if it could all just be this easy?
I keep praying to be shown the way. For this business. For the next direction. And this is what has shown up.
24 hours in. I am just being shown how easy all of this can be.
There is nothing more I need to chase or hustle for. These business deals will either happen or they won’t. There’s no meetings to set up. No prospects to find. No strategy to strategize.
Just step off the fucking plane and go just BE.
Let this all arrive to you.
In the middle of Ireland. Pissing with rain. Naked in saunas. With women. Giggling.
EVERY SINGLE THING is being born from this body. From this nervous system. And men and women are wired different. It’s that simple.
Dopamine regulates men.
Oxytocin, women.
And in the presence and play and ease of other women, is how this gets filled.
No agenda, or deliverables.
My business strategy is an oxytocin bender. Filling myself to the brim with the reminder that everything is perfect, exactly as it is.
I am so held. And that keeps being shown to me, and all I need to do is take my hands off the wheel.
Relax. Breathe.
It’s all going to be ok.