MY MOST FAVOURITE MUSIC I’VE EVER MADE IS OUT TODAY!
IT’S A FULL MOON. A JUPITER CAZIMI.
OUR HEARTS ARE ON FIRE.
They say it’s all an inside job, and we roll our eyes and think sure sure, there’s still some things that I want and need, and I can’t believe X did that, and Y didn’t reply, and Z didn’t work out, and what the hell!
Sometimes, ok actually many times, I have felt like the Universe is playing some cruel joke on me. Dangling carrots of desires in front of me, only to snatch them away, and then laugh and point at me, “Haha! You can’t actually have this. Other people can, but not you!”
But then I speak to people who seem to have it all, and then I realise they actually don’t. Because the price of what I actually and truly desire, doesn’t have a price that can be named.
I have spoken to several $ multi millionaires over the last few years, people who have built businesses to the epitome of success. They are at this place of “arrival”, and yet they feel empty. They feel lost. Their hearts are not on fire, but grey, lifeless, in a bowl of cold soup.
And this is not to say that I don’t want the material, I very much do… but without paying dues to the inside fire, I’ll end up in a bowl of cold soup.
I have never been clearer in what I desire, in what I am tending the fires to in this next chapter. Growth. It’s always growth.
I want to scale this fractional agency. It’s the future workforce. It’s of service. It’s a scalable business that works for ME.
I want steady income AS the agency grows. I want an internal recruiting gig, where I can do good work, and cover my costs.
I want partnership. I want the love that has travelled lifetimes to meet me. AND I want all the flirting and the loving and the sensuality and the play until that arrives.
I want you to hear my music. To play, to record, to sing, to feel, to God.
These desires have never been clearer. And yet, I woke up this week, with tears rolling down my face in joy. In complete gratitude for this life that has arrived at my feet. With none of these “desires”, with none of these “things”.
Alone in my bed, feeling heavy in my body with an old ankle injury flared up, a bank account that has me for another month but not really sure beyond that, and 80 monthly listeners on Spotify (who’s counting)....
For this life I am on my knees saying thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
If that isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is.
My kind of miracle is spending the last days of my Europe trip, in the garden at home, in the countryside I grew up in, spending time with my Mum and my Dad, and enjoying it. Like REALLY enjoying spending time with them.
I wasn’t racing out the door like I have for the last 18 years, there was no screaming or arguing, I was just really enjoying this blissful time with them.
If that isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is.
And my Dad is helping me out this month. And wow, I’m 36, and the cost of breathing air in LA in insane. And all the guilt and the shame I have had in being a daughter who is being helped out financially by her dad before…. All of that, is no longer there. I’m just sitting in the garden with him. Watching the pigeons on the roof in the sun. Laughing.
If that isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is.
If I was God, which I guess we all are, this is the game I would play.
I would have dangled all these carrots of desire, in love and money and music and all the things, and taken me along this endless breadcrumb trail, thinking I was chasing after all of it.
Thinking I was on this magical Universe journey that was somehow going to arrive at this SEXY AF life, where I have the BIG money, and the SEXY man, and the POWER music.
Thinking I would have all of this, and then I would have your attention, and then I could be like, here is how…. God and inner work and somatic tools and purpose and creativity and money blocks blah blah.
I thought all these exterior things were going to give me the validation and the credibility that told the world, I know what I’m talking about, and I am worth listening to.
Magnetic authority. The world needs proof.
I needed proof.
And yet, here I am without any of those “things”. With tears rolling down my face in gratitude.
If I was God, this is the game I would play. The one that takes me to the garden with my Dad.
First. Before anything else. That would come first.
And, as I’m back in LA. On a business development train, things feel different. I didn’t know what I was chasing for all these years, but things FEEL different.
Last week the North Node moved into Aquarius. An 18 month transit that will look VERY different at the end.
They say that if you are born with your sun and your North Node in the same sign, it’s a cosmic blessing. Like, truly a fated gift from the gods.
And, not that I’m better than you, lol, lol… but my sun and north node are in Aquarius. Which as of Sunday, feels like I’m moving into a period of divine exhalation.
I have just arrived at my date with destiny.
And if I was God, I’m pretty sure I would want that to start with my Dad in the garden. With the peace and the joy and the gratitude for living without any of the material things.
The “feeling” that feels so very different is the inevitability of it all.
I have wrestled with the doubts and the fears and the insecurity and unworthiness of every aspect of my being for years.
Is this truly possible? Is this life I crave, really for me?
And now, it is inevitable.
I KNOW, beyond all doubt, that the money and the lover and the music and all the things are coming in.
Their feeling within me is palpable. It is a visceral knowing that sings of inevitability. They are already here.
The exact form they will take? Who knows? God does.
And my job right now is just showing up, taking the actions, feeling the pleasures and the joys of this life as it already is, moving through my body, sending the emails, watching when my shoulders are coming up to my ears, then dancing… action, witnessing, shifting….. action, witnessing, shifting.
This is an energetic game. It always has been.
A journey of understanding that me in my joy and authenticity IS the most magnetic force.
Me in that state, IS magnetic authority. Simply being.
I feel more peace than I have ever known.
I feel more excitement for this day than I have ever been told.
Of course it was an inside job all along.
Roll my eyes back. Deep breath into my lungs. Cascade this life through my heart.
Thank you thank you thank you.
—Holly Gottlieb (Founder, Whole Collective)
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