I’ve had strangers on several occasions come up to me and say “I get your Substack!”
And I do that probably British thing of contracting a little and feeling a bit ‘EEEK’, because sometimes it’s a lot easier typing whatever the fuck I want into an anonymous screen, than meeting the human standing in front of me.
But really I think that ‘eeeek’ feeling is actually just some version of imposter syndrome…
Of ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’, ‘I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about’...
But it’s temporary, because every single time I have that feeling, I also get reminded that actually, I do.
Sometimes I wish I had such a simple product I was selling. Like here… I sell this thing. I do this thing. And it’s so fucking black and white. Where there’s no room for nuance.
But that isn’t me. I’m not fucking black and white…. Well I am pretty white. As this heatwave in the south of France is reminding me.
I DROPPED THAT IN DIDN’T I?!!
*I’m at my sister’s house an hour from Toulouse. She escaped London with her husband 3 months ago and bought this 5 acre place to turn into a retreat space. In the middle of a forest, surrounded by birds and trees and hornets screaming bloody murder. There’s 10 million ants. I’m constantly on pool duty. I’m standing naked in the sun with passionfruit dripping down my chin. There is a lot of work to do. I spent the afternoon filling PVC glue into concrete walls. It is heavenly HOLY glorious.
…. I ask myself sometimes what am I even writing about? And so when people come up to me and tell me they get this Substack, and I have that ‘eeeek!’ feeling thinking I do not know, but actually I do…. I think it’s helpful (to ME) to name it.
I am figuring this whole thing out.
One day at a time.
I am figuring out what it means to be a 36 year old woman, who has big dreams, who has big feelings, who actually has SO many directions in which she can head.
That’s really all this is. I’m figuring out which direction I want to go.
How do I want to spend every single second of this short, sweet, magnificent life before I die?!
How do I want to give my love to this world before I die?
And this morning that was texting some of the people who I cherish SO SO much in my life in LA, and telling them exactly that.
I fucking love you. That’s how. Shame is on me for holding any of it back.
THAT is how I want to give my love before I die.
These weeks in France and Morocco have put me on pause to burn this into my being once more.
And what I’m remembering this whole time, as trite as it is for the thousand times we’ve all heard it, it’s not about the bloody destination. Can I just enjoy the ride?
Knowing the infinite capacity for pleasure and pain that I can hold, knowing that neither scare me anymore, and whilst I have a preference for which end of that scale I’d rather stay, I still know that the pain end will ALWAYS hold infinite gifts that I would never choose to return… knowing all of that, can I just enjoy this holy ride?
Can I just let the process I have been crafting and refining over these years, actually be the fruit in of itself.
Before I went to Morocco, I knew something had to change financially. My business has been growing steadily, and the fractional agency is still something that I am ploughing time and energy that I believe into…..
And, it’s not cutting the numbers I need for the life I want to live. Whilst my financial security is no longer my bank account, but the peace I have found in ‘I’m always going to be ok’, there is still a tangibility to the life I am choosing to live.
Something has to change. And so I opened myself to that possibility of a part-time job. Even that word “job” I have had so much resistance in…. Which is pretty ironic because I have built a 14 year career out of getting other people jobs.
But I’m willing to eat humble pie when I need to. And maybe it’s not humble pie, but a willingness to listen. And, if I were to list all my assets (a fantastic exercise for anyone to try), WILLINGNESS is up there. Big time.
I am willing to do what needs doing, because I finally know what life I am choosing. What I covet so much. What I cherish so much. What I am willing to protect and defend, BECAUSE I LOVE THIS LIFE SO MUCH.
So as I’m on this journey of figuring it out, and prioritizing FEELING GOOD as I’m figuring it out, I’m given options.
Old story me is doom scroll on LinkedIn, panic applying and reaching out to 10,000 contacts, hit that adrenaline high and subsequent self-defeat, and RUSH to get something, anything, god help me it’s the end of the world.
This time I didn’t do that. Which in itself is a complete miracle.
Instead I got quiet. And said how willing I was to do things differently. And there was one name that came through loud and clear. ONE name. And then his face appears again on Instagram, articulating his shared values.
I knew I needed to change things up with the finances. And I sent ONE email, with a “hey, I think we’re in similar worlds, mutual friends, aligned values, looking for opportunities, would love to connect, yada yada”. Then went off grid to Morocco for 5 days.
He replies. Connects me with his co-founder. They need someone to build out a recruiting back-end for a related consumer platform which has 2m users and growing. Super aligned values. Would be part time so I can still build Whole Collective, and still make my music. They need the skillset I have. Plus, I like them. As people. Big time.
Wait what?!
Could it really be that easy?
So I sent my proposal rates on Monday. And I had to sit with that over the weekend, because my first number, although comfortable to me, was actually undervaluing what I would bring to the table. And I ended up sending a monthly retainer figure that made me very uncomfortable indeed.
And they haven’t replied.
AND ALL OF THIS IS OK.
Because as I’m stood here in 100 degrees, naked in the sun with passionfruit running down my chin, I am allowing all of these new possibilities to play with my senses.
What if it really was just this easy?
Of course I’ll follow up, they will inevitably negotiate the price, and if none of this works out, I now have a very clear idea of what I can pitch to kinda similar companies.
What if this entire process was just to open my horizons into what else might be possible?
AND, if I come back to the process, like everything else that has miraculously arrived in my life that as some point felt too good to be true… that process for me is feeling it in my body first. It’s letting it arrive as an inevitability, as ‘of course this comes next’….
And sure, the final package will look different, it may even be a different company.
BUT THAT IS THE ENTIRE AND ONLY HOLY GAME WE ARE PLAYING HERE IN THIS GAME OF FIGURING IT ALL OUT.
I am on the court playing. Putting it out. Getting returns. And some feel like dog shit and some feel like I’m stood naked in the sun with passionfruit running down my chin asking holy shit could it really feel this good?
Sometimes it can.
That’s what I’m learning.
Is that sometimes it simply can be this easy.
That it simply can feel this good.
Wish me luck.
—Holly Gottlieb (Founder, Whole Collective)
Whole Collective help values-driven founders grow their businesses. But we’re building this thing differently: future hiring models X nervous system tools X people-centered AI.
If you're a founder or business leader who needs to grow your business but aren’t down for the traditional recruiting fees and are much more interested in relationships built on trust, let’s talk.
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Love is a daily act of courage. Don’t stop. :)